Episode 5: Soothing a Crying Baby
Fussiness got you down? How to connect and soothe your little one.
By: Tali Ditye, Ph.D., Co-founderMommyhood101 independently tests and curates baby gear to help you make informed decisions. If you buy products through links on our site, we may earn a commission.
We discuss why babies cry, how it affects parents, and how you can help soothe your little one.
To help you soothe your little one, be sure to check out our lists of the:
Transcript
Hey everyone and welcome back. Ready to really get into it with infant crying?
I think it's something we all could use a little more understanding about.
Seriously, it could be such a huge part of those early months and honestly
it kind of takes over your world for a while, doesn't it?
For sure. So, we're going way beyond just like the basic soothing tips here.
Yeah. Go to deeper.
We're digging into like the emotional experience
the parents, right?
Absolutely. How it impacts you
because honestly, we don't talk about that enough.
No, we don't.
Like all the feelings that come with it. The research is really clear on this though.
Okay, lay it on us.
Feeling kind of overwhelmed or just worried about your baby's cries,
which like who hasn't, right?
It is so normal. It's incredibly common and you are definitely not alone if you've ever felt that way.
Okay, so that's reassuring to hear right off the bat.
Got to start with that validation.
Yes. Now, we've got four research papers we're going to unpack today.
Plenty to dig into.
This is going to be good. And a great place to start, I think, is this 2023 paper by Mueller and their team.
Oh yeah, I know that one.
It's fascinating. They basically did a deep dive into a ton of other studies all about how parents experience crying.
Oh wow. So like a metaanalysis kind of.
Exactly. And they pulled research from all over the place. US, UK, Switzerland, you name it.
Wow. So a pretty global perspective then.
Totally. Even Vietnam was in there.
See, that's so important because you know it's not just a western thing.
Exactly. And one thing that really stood out to me was that they found crying problems are estimated to affect anywhere from 5% to 25% of babies.
That's a huge range though,
right? And it shows you just how subjective this whole excessive crying thing can be
because what's excessive to one parent totally might be totally normal to another and vice versa.
It's so true. So it's not even just about like how much the baby's actually crying, right? It's about how those cries make the parents feel.
Exactly. It's all about perception
because even if your little one isn't objectively crying, more than other babies.
If you're at your limit and you just feel like you can't handle it anymore,
that's a real struggle and that's what matters.
And Muller's study actually quotes parents talking about these exact feelings.
Oh wow. Like real stories from the trenches.
Yes. They talked about feeling exhausted, helpless, even like doubting themselves as parents.
That self-doubt can be brutal.
Oh, it's the word.
Because you start to feel like you're doing something wrong.
Exactly. And one parent even said, and I'm quoting here, For sanity's sake, I just had to put him in his crib and walk away.
Oh my gosh. I think we've all been there,
right? Like sometimes you just need a minute.
A minute to breathe.
Exactly. And I think it's so important to hear these real stories
because it normalizes the experience, right?
Yes. You are not alone if those cries sometimes feel overwhelming.
It's not just you. And honestly, the fact that they looked at research from so many different cultures.
Yes. That was so interesting
because how we interpret those cries, what kind of support we have, have it can be totally different depending on where you are in the world.
Well, 100%. Like in a lot of Western cultures, there's this big emphasis on handling infant care
within your own household.
Yeah. Like you do you, figure it out kind of thing,
right? You're kind of on your own,
which can be really isolating, especially when you're sleepd deprived
and those hormones are all over the place.
Exactly. Now, contrast that with what they found about the Vietnamese approach.
Oh, yeah. Tell me about that.
Grandparents, especially grandmothers, play a huge role in those early months.
Oh. That's so interesting.
They're seen as the experts, the ones who really know how to soothe a crying baby.
It makes you think about all the wisdom that grandparents hold,
right? They've been there, done that,
and they're probably calmer than the sleep-deprived parents.
I'm sure. And one parent in the study actually said, "Get this. Maternal and paternal grandmothers have much experience, so they can soothe him better."
Isn't that fascinating?
It's like built-in support.
It makes you realize how cultural norms really shape not just how we parent, but also what we expect. and where we turn for support.
That's a really good point because if you don't have that support network
or if you don't feel like you can ask for help.
Exactly. It just adds another layer of stress to the whole experience,
which is the last thing you need when you're dealing with a crying baby,
right? You're already overwhelmed as it is. But, you know, speaking of cultural norms and expectations.
Yes. Let's talk about some of those common beliefs around crying.
The ones that everyone swears by.
Yes. Like, are they true or are they just old wives tales? And one that really stood out to me Especially for breastfeeding moms was this pressure to stop if your baby cries a lot.
Oh, tell me about it. I remember getting that.
Right. Like, it's your fault. Your milk isn't good enough.
Exactly. So much pressure.
And kid and their team. They actually included this quote from a mom whose husband said to her,
"Oh, no. The husband."
I know. He said, "Seriously, now when are we going to have that conversation about you not breastfeeding anymore?"
Oh gosh, can you imagine?
I know. And it gets worse. He goes on to say, "I am serious. When are we going to start hearing a screaming baby? When are we going to get him on formula?" I mean, talk about pressure.
Oh my goodness. That's so tough. Especially when you're already feeling vulnerable and hormonal.
Exactly. And you're just trying to do what's best for your baby
and you're constantly secondguessing yourself.
But here's the thing that's so important to remember, and this is backed up by science.
Okay, give it to me.
There is absolutely no link between whether a baby breast milk or formula and collic, which is often blamed for excessive crying.
That's huge. So many people think that formula is like the magic solution,
right? But it's just not true. And I'll admit, I used to think the same thing.
Like it must be easier on their tummies or something.
Exactly. But then I read this study from 2002 by Clifford and their team and they basically debunked that myth.
Oh, tell me more.
They found absolutely no evidence to support it. So for anyone listening who might be feeling that pressure to switch from breastfeeding because of crying. Trust your gut.
Do what feels right for you.
Exactly. The science is on your side.
It's not about the milk. It's about figuring out what's going on
and trusting your instincts.
Exactly. And you know what else is really important to remember? Our own mental state as parents can really impact how we experience our baby's cries.
It's like a two-way street, right? The crying affects our well-being.
Oh, for sure. It can be so draining.
But our existing anxiety or stress can also make us more sensitive to those cries in the first place.
Absolutely. If you're already on edge, every little keep is going to sound like a siren.
It's so true. And this is where the work by Mestig and their colleagues from 2021 and a more recent study in 2023 by Dearro and their team gets really interesting.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
They both highlight this super complex relationship between infant crying and a parent's mental health, particularly anxiety and depression.
So, it's not just about the crying itself, it's about how we're already feeling going into it.
Exact. And when I was reading to Barbara's study, I was blown away by how they actually tracked mom's moods in real time.
Oh, wow. How did they do that?
They use these things called ecological momentary assessments or EMAs, which are basically just little check-ins throughout the day.
Interesting. Like mood journals, but high-tech.
Exactly. And they also had the babies wear these tiny audio recorders
to capture all the cries.
All of them. So they could really see what was happening moment to moment.
That's incredible. So what did they find?
What they found was kind of mind-blowing. Even short bursts of crying, we're not talking hours here, but more crying than usual in a 10-minute span leading up to a mom's mood check-in.
Okay, so relatively short periods of time.
Yes, those short bursts were actually linked to an increase in her feeling down or stressed.
Really, even just a few minutes of crying could do that.
That's what the research suggests.
Wow. It really highlights how powerful those cries can be,
right? And to make it even more real, these effects were seen even in moms who didn't have clinically significant anxiety or depression.
So, it's not just moms who might already be struggling.
Exactly. It's affecting everyone, which means that support and coping mechanisms are crucial for all parents,
not just those considered high-risisk.
Exactly. Everyone deserves support, especially in those early months.
Absolutely. And you know, this finding about those short bursts of crying really makes me think about
what's that how important it is to kind of reframe our thinking.
Oh, totally. Instead of just focusing on stopping the crying,
which let's be real, that's usually the goal, right?
Well, it's instinct.
It is.
Yeah.
But what if we focus more on building our own resilience?
Oo, I like that. Building resilience.
Because if we can handle those short bursts,
those little triggers.
Exactly. It might actually prevent some of that long-term stress from building up.
Right. Because it's not just about the baby's well-being.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It's about the parents well-being, too.
We often forget that part, don't we?
We do. And this is where I think a study from 2021 by Mohabibati and their team really comes in.
Oh, yeah. What did they find?
Well, they were specifically looking at this idea of perceived insufficient milk.
Okay. So, breastfeeding moms who feel like they're not making enough milk.
Exactly. And what's fascinating is they didn't actually find a direct link between how much a baby cried at one week old and whether moms felt like they had enough milk.
Really? So, the amount of crying didn't really predict those feelings?
Not directly, but Here's the catch. Mothers who went in expecting their babies to cry a lot were more likely to report feeling like they weren't producing enough milk later on at 2 and 4 weeks.
Wow. So, it's almost like those pre-existing beliefs kind of set them up to feel inadequate.
Yes. And it really highlights how powerful our mindset is. Those expectations we carry can really shape our whole experience.
Because if you go into parenthood thinking babies just cry all the time
and that it means you're doing something wrong.
Exactly. Then of course You're going to feel stressed and doubtful when those cries inevitably happen.
It's like we're almost setting ourselves up for a harder time,
right? And I think about all the advice and stories new parents get bombarded with,
even before the baby arrives.
It's all about the sleepless nights, the endless crying, the breastfeeding struggles,
like you're going to be miserable for the next two years.
Exactly. And it creates this cycle of anxiety and self-lame before you've even started.
It's so true. And you know what else this makes me think about? that de Barbaro's study on how crying impacts a mom's mood.
Oh, yeah. The one with the real-time mood tracking.
Yes. Because remember how they found that even short bursts of crying were linked to feeling down or stressed,
right? Like those little triggers we were just talking about.
Well, they actually found something really interesting about the timing of it all.
Oh, like a delayed reaction or something.
Kind of. While those short bursts did have a noticeable effect in the moment, they found that prolonged exposure to above average crying was actually more strongly linked to feeling down or depressed, but later on.
So, not an immediate thing, but more of a cumulative effect.
Exactly.
Wow, that's really interesting. So, it's like a slow burn.
Yes. And it makes me think that if we can find ways to help parents manage those early brief crying spells
like equip them with coping mechanisms.
Yes. It might actually help prevent that buildup of stress and those more serious mental health struggles down the line.
That makes a lot of sense. It's It's all about breaking the cycle early on.
Exactly. And this is where self-care becomes so crucial
because it's not selfish. It's essential.
It really is. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask first.
You can't pour from an empty cup.
Exactly.
Mhm.
But when we're so focused on the baby's needs, which are incredibly important,
of course,
it's easy to forget that our needs matter, too.
And not just for us, but for the baby, too.
Right? Because when you're feeling depleted and overwhelmed, it's that much harder to respond to your baby with patience and understanding.
You're more likely to snap or get frustrated.
Exactly. But when you prioritize your own well-being, even in small ways,
like taking a walk or
or taking a nap.
Yes. Anything to recharge.
It creates a ripple effect. You're more likely to feel calmer, more centered, and more able to handle those challenging moments with a little more grace.
It's about filling your own cup so you can show up for your baby as the best version of yourself.
Okay, so we've talked about how common it is to feel overwhelmed by your baby's cries, how important it is to be aware of our own pre-existing beliefs, and how even short bursts of crying can impact our mood.
Lots to think about,
but we still haven't touched on how to actually decode those cries and figure out what our little ones are trying to tell us.
The million-dollar question,
right? So, let's dive into that next. So, we've really gotten into the emotional side of things,
all those feelings that come with those cries,
right? The expectations we have, the impact on us as parents
because it's so easy to get caught up in just wanting the crying to stop.
Oh, tell me about it. But what if instead of seeing it as a problem,
like something to fix?
Exactly. What if we saw it more as communication? Like our babies are trying to tell us something.
Exactly. It's like learning a new language, right?
I like that analogy.
You're not going to understand every word right away.
There's definitely some trial and error involved.
Especially in those early days. I remember thinking, "Wait, you don't want that toy anymore. You're just chewing on it."
Oh, I've been there. But the important thing is you as the parent,
you're there. You're present.
Exactly. You're listening and you're trying your best to figure out what your baby needs.
And you know, sometimes what they need is actually pretty simple.
Sometimes they just need a hug,
right? That closeness and comfort.
Exactly. That reassurance that everything's okay.
And that's where those soothing techniques come in.
Rocking, shushing, all those things.
But it's interesting when you think about them not as a way to silence the crying, but as a way to connect.
Yes. To offer support and love even if you don't know exactly what's wrong.
Because it's through that connection, that feeling of being understood that they eventually learn to self soothe.
Oh, that's such a good point. It's not just about fixing the problem in that moment.
It's about building those long-term skills.
Exactly. Trust, security, all of that.
And it starts with those early interactions.
It's amazing when you think about it that way because those cries, as tough as they can be,
and they can be really tough.
Oh. For Sure.
They're not just about making it stop.
It's about building that bond.
Yes. And deepening that connection between parent and child
because within those cries, as frustrating as they might seem sometimes,
Yeah. we've all been there.
There's this profound message waiting to be heard.
Oh, I like that. What do you mean?
It's a message of vulnerability, of dependence, of a deep longing for love and connection.
Wow. That really shifts your perspective, doesn't it?
It does because it's not just noise. It's a form of communication.
It's their way of reaching out.
Exactly. And it's our job as parents to listen and respond with empathy and compassion.
So, as we wrap up this deep dive into the world of infant crying, I want to leave everyone with this thought.
What's that?
What if instead of dreading those cries, we embrace them even just a little bit as an opportunity?
An opportunity for what?
An opportunity for connection, for growth for both ourselves and our babies.
Because when we change our mindset, we change the whole experience. Exactly. And we can approach those moments with a little more patience, a little more understanding,
and maybe even a little more joy.
I love that. It's not always easy, but it's so worth it.
It really is because those early months go by so fast,
way too fast,
and we want to cherish every moment, even the challenging ones.
That's all for today's deep dive. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next time for another fascinating exploration.
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