Written by Jessica Jordan
First-time parents need to fill about nine months of time waiting for their bundle of joy to arrive. There is plenty of planning - choosing names, building a crib, and packing your bag for the glorious hospital trip. But toward the end of pregnancy, when the anticipation is all-consuming, first time parents have the wonders of Amazon to fill their countdown minutes - and the selection of ridiculous baby products does not disappoint!
When you are pregnant, you will have the option to purchase designer morning sickness bags, so you can puke in style. Once baby arrives, you will discover an assortment of hilarious onesies including phrases such as, “I only cry when ugly people hold me.” And as your child grows, the endless selection of poop-themed kids’ toys and games will have you reaching back for those designer barf bags.
We hopped down the rabbit hole for you to find the strangest and most absurd baby and kid products currently available on Amazon. Many of these items are available for delivery within 48 hours, in case you need them right away—but why would you?! If you thought diaper changes were scary, just wait until you get a load of these products!
Here are the 29 most ridiculous baby and kid products!
While many babies prefer warmed breastmilk or formula in their bottles, some babies might prefer a “cold one.” This beer-bottle shaped baby bottle is BPA and phthalates free and includes a modeled crown cap nipple cover. The Lil’ Lager Bottle pairs well with a late night of drinking and reading Good Night Brew. If your baby is more of a wine-connoisseur, there is also a stemmed baby bottle option.
Books are wonderful instruments to expand your child’s passion for learning and expose them to new concepts and imagery. Except this book, this is The Worst Alphabet Book Ever (seriously, that’s the title)! Starting with “A is for aisle” and continuing through “M is for mnemonic” and “P is for Pterodactyl,” this alphabetical exploration will definitely have you and your child frightened by phonics.
If your child is still not sleepy after reading The Worst Alphabet Book Ever, it may be time to break out “The mother of all children’s books” (--Today Show), Go the F**k to Sleep. This is a hilariously accurate reflection on the challenges and struggles of parenting. If you are interested in more children’s books to not read to your kids, check out the sequel, You Have to F**king Eat.
Even if your baby isn’t walking yet, it’s not too early to put him to work on household chores. The Baby Mop is a wearable dust mop romper. This product is hand made in USA from ultra absorbent materials, specially engineered to clean and shine your floor. The romper features a long zipper for easy on and off—be sure to remove baby from romper before laundering.
Includes 12 assorted emoji poops, 2 rods, and 2 nets. Toss the poop into the bath water and get fishing! Or, as suggested by the photo, toss them in the toilet and get fishing? Generous loops on each poop facilitate easy poop-scooping. If they catch a special floater without an emoji face, it’s time to bleach the net.
It is important to dry the diaper area before applying rash cream or ointment. Rather than patting the baby dry with a clean cloth or just giving him a little air, you could use the handheld, Little Booty Fan! Do you really want to tempt fate and find out what happens when the sh*t hits the fan?
We’re not sure this is what the nurses meant when they taught you how to wrap a snug swaddle like a burrito. There’s something about wrapping your kid up as food that feels… off. Nevertheless, this product description boasts, “Unlike other food blanket, this 71-inch burritos swaddle blanket uses high quality flannel fabric.” Apparently, there is a competitive food blanket market!
This educational book hides animal facts under crude, fart humor that is sure to amaze, and disgust. Animals from all over the world are included (as well as some extinct and imaginary animals). Each letter represents an animal, and each animal farts in its own special way. Trying to make dad's flatulence appear normal? This might be a the perfect book for your family.
This plush unicorn has a real fish tank embedded in its belly. Open the toy’s mouth to feed both your unicorn and fish friend. Alternatively, use this toy to store smaller toys or anything other than water to avoid a fish-water soaked plush toy, a dead fish, and a crying child. At $25 it's a pricey disaster waiting to happen!
These misshapen monster plushes feature awkward gazes and grimacing mouths full of “human-like, less-than-pearly teeth.” Each Fuggler comes with an adoption certificate and signature BUTTonhole. If your child is not prone to nightmares and you want to change that, Fuggler is there for you.
Put up your dukes and face The Bard in a puppet show-down with this paddle-operated, punching puppet. We’re not sure why Shakespeare has been crafted into a boxing puppet; but if your kids are fans of theatre, this is sure to be (or not to be) a hit!
The Toilet Paper Blaster is a trigger-action spitball launcher that hold a roll of toilet paper and uses water instead of spit to wet the “spitballs.” One roll of toilet paper makes 350 spitballs, launched up to 30 feet into hard to clean areas all around your home.
It’s Monopoly with the devil whispering in your ear. This game includes cheat cards and sneaky Chance and Community Chest instructions that encourage players to cheat, including faking a die roll, stealing some bills from the bank, and even skipping out on rent. If the cheat is accomplished, the player is rewarded. However, failed cheat attempts land players physically handcuffed to the board. A weird twist on an old favorite, this could take a quick turn for the worst.
Starting at the top of the list with the bottom. This silicone spatula looks like a kitchen tool for scraping brownie batter, but you will not want to think about brownies when using it! The Baby Bum Brush is specially designed to apply diaper rash cream and ointment, so you don’t get any on your hands! And it's actually much easier to clean than hands with its smooth silicone surface. Just be sure to keep it away from the kitchen to avoid spatula mix-ups.
Why?! Don’t get us wrong, we are all for fashion and style, but infants hardly need shoes at all, let alone pumps! These shoes come in cute colors, but they are oddly shaped (because they are not meant for walking), and the protruding heels just look awkward on tiny baby feet.
Okay, it’s kind of cool that the glove turns inside-out into a diaper disposal bag. But the reality of diaper changes is often much more chaotic than this product would have you believe. If you are having a baby, get ready to eventually have some poop on you, diaper gloves or not!
Poopy diapers aside, there is nothing sweeter than the smell of a newborn baby. They are soft and warm, and there are actually studies demonstrating the bonding powers of pheromones. Why would anyone want to cover that adorable scent with cologne?
This growing trend includes various creepy teeth and disturbing, oversized lip designs for baby pacifiers. There are also mustache and duck bill pacifiers to make babies look funny. There’s nothing like soothing your fussy baby with a pacifier and then laughing at how silly he looks.
The Zaky is here to give you a hand (or two) with soothing your baby and helping her sleep. These bead-filled, hand shaped pillows are designed to simulate “the size, shape, touch and scent of the parent’s hand that holds the baby.” Zaky is sold in a set, (left and right). It’s a sweet idea, and this product has won many awards, but it still just looks like disembodied hands and costs $99.
This product is designed to help you suck snot right from your baby’s nose using your mouth as suction. A flexible straw with a wider, pen-shaped tip creates a seal with the outside of the baby’s nostril for “gentle snotsucking.” There is a disposable “booger catcher” between the nostril cover and mouth piece… but somehow, that doesn’t make this system any more… palatable.
The Oogiebear is branded as “the first booger tool that removes both sticky and dried boogers from a child’s nostrils.” Sometimes, baby noses really do get clogged with hard-to-remove gunk. This little tool is proud to get in there and scoop out the nastiness, and cartoon bear heads on either end serve as stoppers to keep you from mining too deeply for treasure.
This Western-style saddle includes a pad and soft saddle complete with horn and adjustable stirrups to grow with your child. The description clearly states this system is perfect for both Dads and Moms to give the ultimate horseback rides around the living room. Daddle does not include a headstall or reins, so fully exerting parent-control may be a challenge for your child.
How did anyone think this would be a good idea?! Potty training is hard. As parents, we do a lot to make the process more enjoyable for everyone. We use special songs, sticker charts, and character training pants. But a potty on wheels is just too much. In addition to making sure your kid stays seated, you’ll also need to remind him not to drive too fast and slosh around!
Help your potty-trainer learn to aim with this illuminated target light that shines into the toilet bowl. The light attaches under the cover, and it turns on when the toiled is opened. Batteries are included in this model. Toilet targets are also available as stick-on decals for more energy-efficient bathroom competitions that are sure to result in crossed streams and arguments.
The Tinkle Tube helps support and aim your child’s wee-wee when using public rest rooms. Simply remove the end caps and angle toward toilet or urinal. When finished, shake out the tube, replace caps, and store this little pee-riscope your purse or diaper bag! Ew.
If gross-out is in-theme for your kid, you may consider purchasing a set of plush “pee and poo” toys. The set includes two cartoonish plushes: a urine drop and a pile of poop. The dolls are machine washable and actually have a five star rating.
Made from BPA-free plastic, this mug includes two building surfaces compatible with most brand name bricks. Let’s forget about the choking and burn hazards here for a moment. With building options almost as limitless as their imagination, your kids will have endless fun creating unbalanced and awkward cup designs that are sure to spill as soon as they are left unattended.
The Dipr Cookie Spoon is designed to cradle your favorite sandwich cookies (maybe an OREO™) as you dip them in milk. This keeps fingers clean and out of the milk. The Dipr is top-rack dishwasher safe, BPA and phthalate free, and made from FDA approved, food-safe materials. Anyone could use a fork or their fingers to accomplish the same feat, but the Dipr makes it special!
If you thought the whole point of bath time was to remove the gunk from your children, think again! Gelli Baff turn your kids’ bathwater into colorful goo! This product boasts nontoxic and environmentally friendly formulation that is 100% safe on skin and stain-free. But one quick look at the reviews on this product tells a frightening story for clogged drains and pipes. If you are interested in this product, it may be best used in the kiddie pool.